them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Put this video in the Louvre
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
shit just got real
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.