The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
constantly working on myself.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Perfection.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.