Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
At least try to make it slightly believable