wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
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Why is everyone getting married at me
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”