the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex