This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
going to the ER y’all need anything
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅