Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
You Might Also Like
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
yes… yes…
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”