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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
What
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
This makes total sense…
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
fired
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter