Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
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I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Battery falling down a hole
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.