me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents