*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
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I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Unexpected Judgment
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
How high do the levels go?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts