The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
You Might Also Like
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’m giving up ice.