Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I put the mess in domestic.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Hmmmmm
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Challenge accepted.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
23. the denim jacket
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog