No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
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Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.