I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
this is the best interaction on twitter
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this