Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The future is now.
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[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.