AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
we’re gonna need another temp
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.