And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
You Might Also Like
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.