Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Netflix and awkward silence?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
me hooking up with my ex
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I have so many questions.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*