I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good