i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
🤣
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.