Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate