I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”