Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
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I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Interior design 👌
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.