very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
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me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.