Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.