cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.