daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
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[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
New mindset, who dis?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
scares
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
FRED: right
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days