I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Don’t talk down to me
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.