Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
You Might Also Like
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I was up all night reading about insomnia
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.