Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Mornin
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.