Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Cha-ching is my safe word
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.