me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
That’s incredible! 👌
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor