8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
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Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Smells like a challenge to me
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.