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her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
🙋♀️
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Whoa 😂
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.