Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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this FaceApp is creepy af
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I wish I were this cool 😂
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*