Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
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[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
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I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.