Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me