me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
😂😂😂
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?