By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
the noise i just made
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.