i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I need this for my side hustle.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”