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*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You鈥檙e a long movie preview. I鈥檝e been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
3: I DON鈥橳 NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Son: I鈥檓 scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: Hope it鈥檚 ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife鈥檚 femur.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[when we鈥檙e a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Haha! 馃槀
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”