Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?