ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Botany good plants lately?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.