Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.