I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
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ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Kermit goes Blue.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
i- i did not expect this
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes