“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
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My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Going into Monday like
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.