You Might Also Like
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
😲 WTF? 😆
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That’s my signature.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?
How about your kid?
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.