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*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.