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[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Namaste
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….