HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
sugar glider wrangler
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.