Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
i want the dreams to chase me for once
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket