Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
What a website
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.